SuperBowl XLIX (49): Fuck This Shit


Superbowl.
Fuck Russell Wilson and his 4B hair.
Superbowl.
Fuck Belichick or whateverthefuckhisnameis. You know what rhymes with Belichick? R Kelly’s dick.
Fuck Darrell Bevell and every stupid call he’s been thinking. Whoever updated his Wikipedia page hit the nail on the head

darrell bevell wiki

Fuck it all.

Right now I’m trying to get my life together like

trying to get my life together likeI usually don’t watch sporting events. The only sport I kinda care about is soccer. And even then, my favorite soccer team is a fictional soccer team called Supa Strikas. That’s how much I care about sports. There’s too much emotions at stake to be tossing in the air at people who probably don’t even know I exist so why bother. Generally, I don’t care about sports. I just watch popular sports as a neutral so I can have something to talk about with friends. But today just felt different. I decided to go out of my comfort zone and actually support a team for the superbowl. This has got to be, hands down, the most stupid decision I’ve made in years. And trust me, I have a history of making stupid decisions. I could’ve easily minded my own business and chilled back at home like

Marshawn Lynch chilling

But no…my stupid ass decided to go watch the game. And even more stupid of me, was actually making a decision to support a team.

I really don’t even know why I did this. I don’t know a lot about American Football. I understand the concept, know a few rules about it and only know the most popular names like the Manning’s, RG 3, Richard Sherman (for his trash talking), and recently, Marshawn Lynch (for shouting out all the real Africans and his great interviews).

To be very honest, I was only going to watch the game because I had been watching interviews with Marshawn Lynch and I found him really entertaining. And he shouted out all the Africans at a random interview. Like that’s just cool.

Anyways, we (my brothers and I) found a bar and decided to go see the game. The first bar was full so we had to go to another bar and finally got a seat. We were in a sea of white people and by the time the game started, I could already see that the only fans of the Seattle Seahawks was going to be us.

The game started off with both teams getting at each other and I was quite happy to see Marshawn Lynch AKA Beast Mode just beasting on New England’s defense. I dunno what made me happier, Marshawn playing well, or the silence and the looks on the white people’s faces everytime Seattle Seahawks had a touchdown or something progressive.

Halftime came and the adverts were funny. I thought the Always #LikeAGirl commercial was the best one.

Moving on, the second half looked great since Tom Brady was lacking in confidence and the Seahawks looked like they were gonna seal the game. Then Brady gained his confidence, started making some good throws and the New England Patriots were leading.

I kept quiet and felt quite deflated until Jermaine Kearse made this wonderful catch

kearse catch

Immediately I turned around looking at all the white people like

aww

Marshawn Lynch brought the ball even closer until the Seahawks were 2 & Goal with 1 yard for a touchdown with 40+ seconds to spare. 1motherfuckingyard.

Now let’s stop for a minute.

I know I’m not a smart man, and I probably know nothing about strategy, but I do you know one thing…whosoever conceptualized the idea of throwing the ball after coming so close is such a fucking idiot. Marshawn Lynch had been having a fire game and he was still ON THE FIELD. Why wasn’t he given the ball just to rush past 1 yard.

1 FUCKING YARD.

A yard is 3 feet long.
3 feet is equivalent to 36 inches.
A footlong in Subway is 12 inches.
So basically, the distance between victory and defeat was 3 subway footlong sandwiches.
3 FOOTLONGS.

I don’t give a flying fuck whether Wilson saw this after some stupid prick told him to throw the ball

wilson's last pass

Because at the end of all the “genius behind throwing the ball”, it ended with this

wilson's pass

An interception from Malcolm Butler.

Like

what the

I was just so fucking stunned. I was like

surpriseee
Meanwhile, all the white people beside me started celebrating. Some random white guy came and started dancing in front of me. I almost punched him in the nose, but I kept it in. There was already a fight that ensued on the pitch after the interception anyways. Anyways, fuck everything. Fuck it all. Seattle Seahawks should just consider a new name…like the Seattle Seagulls or something.

Fuck all this shit. Follow @TheOiz, read my fictional erotica blog and have a damn nice day/night. Cus I sure won’t.

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