Hey guys! Guess who’s back again to blogging ^_^! So I know it’s been a while since I came here to update the blog. Like, actually put a post online. I apologize to my avid readers. What happened was, asides school, I got in an accident and broke some fingers and I couldn’t write for the longest while so someone was hired to take down my notes and help me update my Twitter so no one thinks anything’s wrong for the sake of keeping up appearances even though inside I was dying and and and…
Yeah, I just got lazy. I’ve been working on my other blog, just making sure I’m still great with the stories. You should check out The Taboo Series (if you’re into such stuff) starting from here. Alright, that’s enough advertisement. Into today’s topic.
Into The Woods: Movie Review
So the other day, my eldest brother and his wife decided to take me out to go see a movie. They picked the movie and said we should all go see it together. Since I wasn’t paying and I didn’t really see other good movies around, I decided to watch Into The Woods. Now I had seen the trailers, and the basis of the movie was that popular fairytales would be interwoven to make one crazy ass tale. Here I was expecting some Once Upon A Time type movie! To raise my expectations even higher, Johnny Depp was in the movie! I knew the movie couldn’t suck. I was ready for some horror type thriller.
Or so I thought.
(There’ll be a few spoilers here and there but I’m only trying to help a brother/sister who had the same expectations as I did)
We got to the movie a bit late, but I arrived at the scene where the protagonist (dunno his name) and his wife were conversing with an evil witch about why he couldn’t have kids and blah blah. Midway through the conversation, she started singing. Initially I thought it was background music, but this witch actually started singing about how she cursed this man’s father. I was like
After the whole singing history lesson, the witch told them to get something as yellow as a hair of corn (Rapunzel), a cape as red as blood (Little Red Riding Hood), a cow as white as milk (Jack in The Beanstalk’s cow), and something of pure gold (Cinderella’s slipper). I’ll get back to the fact that apparently, Cinderella’s glass slipper metamorphosed into gold in this movie.
I’d say I want to tell you the different things I saw in this movie that were so WTF like, but I’ll just mention the most important one.
I remember seeing a trailer of this movie, and there was no indication that this shit had some Disney Junior sing-a-long madness for the whole movie. I mean what in the actual fuck fam? They sang more than Indian movies. Even Frozen and other movies didn’t have that many songs. This was me throughout the movie
After I finally figured out I was in for a musical, a lot of shit still didn’t make any sense.
The witch said she couldn’t touch any of the things the man and his wife were to fetch her (even though she didn’t say why). But throughout the movie, she was touching and climbing up Rapunzel’s hair. I was about to point that shit out but thankfully, when the man and his wife presented Rapunzel’s hair to her for the potion she needed, it didn’t work.
Then Jack presented the most “genius” (according to the protagonist and probably script writers and everyone else who made this movie) idea. He said and I quote
“You did say they should get something as yellow as a hair of corn right?”
“Mmhmm.” All say in unison.
“Then why don’t we just use a hair of corn instead?”
And what saddened me the most is that it actually worked.
If that was the case, couldn’t someone have been murdered and then a piece of cloth be drenched in that blood? Or why couldn’t they just fetch some white paint, or make a shoe from gold? The movie was just pure fuckery fam.
Then there was another part that was mind boggling.
Prince Charming married Cinderella, and the protagonist (who’s a baker) and his wife wished them well and shit. Later on, the woman goes alone in the woods, looking for stuff. She finds Prince Charming who woos her (after some singing of course) next thing you know, they’re making out and the scene cuts out with them slowly falling to the floor as they were making out.
My question is, was that supposed to be a subtle scene of them banging? Sure when the camera returned to their side of the story, their clothes still looked intact and they were in the same position as we left them. But it was made known to us that some time had elapsed from when they started making out, to the moment when the camera returned to them. So another question I have is this…who the hell kisses someone in the same position for a long period of time without moving their hands or body in any way or form whatsoever?
Anyways, my own theory from that whole scene was simple. Prince Charming is a fuckboy and the baker’s wife is an adulteress. Or hoe. Or both.
At the end of it all, the baker’s wife dies. Jack in the Beanstalk’s mother dies. The witch gets swallowed up by the ground so she’s as good as dead I guess. Idk.
And the movie ends with the baker telling a story to Little Red Riding Hood, Jack In The Beanstalk and Cinderella (who found out from talking to birds that Prince Charming was enjoying other women).
All in all, if you were expecting anything other than a musical, please don’t watch this movie. But if you were expecting a musical, it’s cool I guess. Some of the songs were actually pretty good. The harmony and all. And there were moments of humor in the movie.
Like the time when Cinderella confronted Prince Charming for cheating on her, and he replied
“I’m supposed to be Charming, not Sincere.”
There were other moments that were cool I guess. It’s just that I didn’t know it was gonna be a musical.
And that’s basically my movie review. I’ll try to be updating as regularly as possible, but until then, follow @TheOiz or subscribe to the blog so you don’t miss out on posts and have an awesome day!