Condoms Can Ruin Your Life

Soo um, hi guys. Sorry I’ve been absent for a while. I’ll explain it all in today’s post. I’m partially free so I’ll just drop this here. It’ll be two stories in one, but I’ll try to put in as much detail as possible, while making it as short as possible. However, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a bit long, but you’ll probably enjoy it either ways.

Condoms Can Ruin Your Life

So from the last post I’m pretty sure y’all remember I said that I was going to San Francisco right? Well I’m here, in San Francisco and it’s pretty cool. I’m actually serious. It’s really cold down here compared to LA. Also, one thing y’all probably don’t know is, my parents are in town. Yay right? Uhhh, not really. They’re the reason I’ve been offline for a while. I’m the one to be blamed, but yeah, they put me on probation for a while.

So I landed in San Francisco, settled down and slept for like a whole day, getting my body adjusted to the cold. The next day, my mum suggested we all go out for shopping and sightseeing before I finally get ready for school and all. So we (“We” being my mum, dad, Airende, his roommate and myself) went sightseeing, took a few pictures and walked around San Francisco, enjoying the scenery. As we were walking, I saw a shirt I liked, and bought it, while my parents just watched me purchase it. However, I didn’t notice that my wallet wasn’t shoved into my pocket well. So there I was, happily chatting away in front of my parents, with Airende and his roommate beside me, and my parents behind us when my wallet fell out of my pocket. Please note that I had my headphones on, so I didn’t notice it fell out of my pocket and didn’t hear my parents calling me if Airende’s roommate hadn’t nudged me to tell me that my attention was needed. However, everyone was staring at the wallet in an odd manner and when I turned around, I found out why.

A condom fell out of my wallet. Right at the feet of my parents.

Before I go on with today’s story, lemme explain how the condom got there in the first place.

A while back in LA, there was this girl I was in a friends with benefits kinda relationship with. She’s cool and all, and initially, she was the one doing things to get my attention, until she finally got my attention, and then the friends with benefits began. So whenever she wanted her “needs” to be met, I was around. However, since I was always the one meeting her needs, I had to make her work too. So I never brought condoms and she always had to go get them cus we both had this strict “No glove, no love” policy. It always frustrated her, but I didn’t care. You can’t be making me move up and down to meet your needs and not expect to work too.

So on this fateful day, I was the needy one. So I went down to her apartment and caught her playing one of her weird computer games


Yup. She plays weird games like that.

Anyways, I sat down there and watched her play her game and after I couldn’t wait any longer, I made my intentions known to her.

Yeaahhhhh Sadly, she wasn’t in the mood.

I tried all I could. Tickled her, tried kissing her neck, everything. This babe wouldn’t budge. At one point, I even tried reverse psychology. I tried to make her feel bad cus she’s the one always having needs and I always meet em. Why can’t she meet my needs today? It didn’t work. Finally, I tried to let her know I was serious and attempted putting my boner near her. The result was this

sex maybeSo I sat there in silence and was sad and frustrated. After what seemed like 30 long minutes of silence, she then said. “You really wanna do it?” I was already stripping by the time she asked this question, and just as I was about to take off my boxers, she said, “Humor me. Where’s the condom we’re gonna use? I’m in the mood right now, but if you leave to get a condom now, I’ll probably lose this mood and go to bed.” As she said this, I knew she had won. Since that day, I started keeping condoms (just one o! Not a pack) in my wallet. Now back to today’s story.

So Airende’s roommate nudged me and said, “Yo, I think your wallet fell down and your folks are looking at it funny.” When he ended the sentence, I immediately guessed why and in a split second, I just decided I was gonna act like the wallet wasn’t mine. With my headphones still on my ears, I turned back to look at my parents as though nothing had happened, was bouncing my head up and down, and turned my head and continued walking forward like nothing had happened. I didn’t get too far before dad grabbed me

uh ohHe then asked me to retrieve my wallet. Acting like I didn’t know what he was talking about, I searched my pockets and “discovered” that it was my wallet on the floor. Then I picked it up, dusted it, and put it in my pocket. However, my mum quickly asked me why a condom was in my wallet and I CANNOT deny it since she saw it fall from my wallet. I was like

scared stiff “HAAAYYYYYYYY! It wasn’t me! I didn’t put any condom there. The devil is a liar.” I dramatically said.

Mum and dad weren’t buying it though, and they started asking many questions until David (Airende’s roommate) came up, faked a laugh, picked up the condom and apologized. He then lied on my behalf that he put the condom there because he was going to see his girlfriend later that day, and since he had no pockets on his dress (he was wearing basketball shorts and a polo shirt) he put it in my wallet. My parents then looked at him, and looked at me, giving me “The Look” before finally agreeing that we kept on walking and got to our destination. Thankfully my parents sorta believed him and he left us later on, while I got home SAFELY with my parents.

I’m still getting weird glances for them. To try to clear the suspicion, I’ve been watching CNN, reading my Bible, praying every other time and not tweeting/facebooking since it wastes people’s time. Nothing out of the ordinary yunno.

And that’s it for today’s post. I’ll be back on twitter and other social network sites later sha. I owe my life to David right now. To the God of Death?

not today Follow @TheOiz and have a nice day!

7 thoughts on “Condoms Can Ruin Your Life

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