Why I Don’t Have Male Best Friends

Heyyy guys! So we’re back here again, for the 2nd of #TheLast9Posts. Due to the lack of time and some other factors, today’s post is gonna be brief, but trust me to embellish it with the details! So, let’s get started!


Why I Don’t Have Male Best Friends Anymore

So this story takes place in my high school, Grade 8/JSS 2 to be precise. Remember how I told you my high school was a village? Yeah, I’m just reminding you so you don’t forget.
Anyways, after finally completing a whole semester and adjusting from VGC life of pampering and spoiling, to the hard village life I lived in high school, I started to finally enjoy myself and started becoming one with the system. Like any young teenager, my hormones started acting up, and I began to see females in a different light. I started to fall for one girl in my class. Thing was, I didn’t know if she was falling for me too, so I started doing childish shit like buying her food during break time/recess (for all you oyinbo speaking people) and I’d hide the food in her locker and tell some random person who wasn’t in my class, to help me write that it was from her secret admirer. My friends who knew what I was doing were laughing at me and calling me names and all. Even some females who thought it was me came to ask me if I was the “Secret Admirer” but I denied that shit harder than Peter denied Jesus.

As this went on for a while, I noticed that my best friend at that time, seemed to be close friends with the girl I had fallen for. Since she was close friends with my best friend, I saw this as an opportunity to capitalize on this situation and get him to find out if she liked me. Being the “Good” friend that he was, he asked her if she liked me too and finally, after a few days, she told him that she liked me too. When homeboy delivered her message to me, I was all like


Anyways! I was super elated and my joy soon turned short-lived. I mean, now I knew that she liked me back, I didn’t know what to do next. I was doing those things in secret, hoping she’d guess it was me and like me back. Now that I knew she liked me back, I just didn’t know what to do to make her mine. So I started asking various people, ranging from my classmates, seniors, and even some juniors what they thought about the matter. Even though everybody’s answer differed from the other, one solution seemed to be on everyone’s lips. Stop with the secret admirer, hiding food in your locker nonsense. This isn’t a Hollywood movie. Shit doesn’t mean she’ll like me for me, she’ll probably only be attracted to me because I’ll have turned into her source of food. So I was told to stop doing this


And start doing sensible things to get her attention.

The problem was, everyone’s answer seemed to be taking areas I didn’t want to do. I did not want to confront her and ask her out lest she rejects me. I was hoping someone could do it for me. So I went back to my best friend and begged him to help me woo the girl I liked.
Before I proceed, I would like y’all to know that at this time, I was really stupid and blinded by “love”, and I didn’t notice that this so called best friend was just a parasite who enjoyed eating off of me. I actually had to pay him with some food I had, and had to buy him extra, so he’d help me out with the job. The reason why I did that, was cus I assumed that no service comes free. So even if it’s your best friend helping you out, you still gotta pay him small commission.

So my best friend began to talk to this girl while I’d look from a distance. He’d talk to her before, during, and even after class. He’d send her messages (I wrote for him to tell her) and it seemed to be working fine, because she started to talk to me a lil bit more often than she used to. After every week, I’d ask him whether she seems to like me more and he’d tell me that she’s falling deeper for me. When I asked him if I should ask her out at that moment, he’d tell me “#DontRush.” And so I didn’t rush… For about 5 weeks.

Nearing the close of the fifth week however, I just decided to grow some balls and I went up to the girl and asked her out by myself. She wasted no time in letting me know that she already had a boyfriend. My heart stopped beating for a moment. After I got my breath back, I asked her when she had one and she told me she had been going out with my best friend for 2 weeks now. 2 weeks ladies and gentlemen. I almost screamed my head off. I was soo mad and upset. I wanted to beat the hell out of him, but then again, what’s a mouse to an Elephant? My best friend was among the top 3 fighters in my class and he gets into fights every day. I can barely beat my cousin who’s at least 3 years younger than me. But I swore to have my revenge either ways.

One random day in the week, he came up to me and told me that she wasn’t responding to his acts of wooing her anymore and he’d need more money from me since he was doing “extra” work. I smiled and told him I’d get him some food and drinks and we could eat it in the hostel when everyone goes out for afternoon classes. He happily agreed and I smiled. I then proceeded to get some Golden Morn (cereal) and then we went and hid in a secluded room in the hostel till everyone left. When everyone had left, I told him to go and spy in other rooms to ensure that no one was around the hostel while I prepared the food. When he left, I put this inside the food and mixed it well


Just in case you have no idea what that is. It’s a laxative. I was having stomach issues in school, so I had laxative pills so I could easily pass stool. Anyways, I meshed it into the food and waited for him to get back. When he came back, I told him I wasn’t hungry and went out of the room while he ate and asked for more. I told him I’d get some more later and acted like I was sleepy and he, genuinely sleepy, lay beside me and he passed out about 15 minutes later. I didn’t sleep. I woke up, found a padlock, and locked him inside the room, and watched him from a secluded spot in another room.
Lo and behold, home boy woke up like 30 minutes later, with his stomach making growling noises. He started shouting my name and was looking for me while trying to figure a way to get out of the room. He struggled and struggled and struggled until he finally took a dump at the edge of the room and used a nearby cloth to wipe his ass. I hid there till everyone was done with afternoon classes and the seniors came back to meet the hostel smelling. After they traced the odor and found homeboy panicking in a room he was locked in and had taken a shit on the floor, the seniors freed him from the room and gave him the beating of his life for hiding during afternoon classes and for shitting in a room.

Moral Lesson? Don’t fuck with me. I WILL have my revenge. Hope you enjoyed today’s Post! Follow @TheOiz and have a nice day!

9 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Have Male Best Friends

  1. Oise,lmao can’t stop laffing,you were such a little black meanie….inbetween tho,you should taken wooing lessons from airende he’s preety good @ it

  2. Aw! Your friend was not nice but revenge, though?🤔🤔🤔…. Lol, another funny story! I can definitely relate to the whole doing more for someone than they are for you scenario!

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