My Childhood Stories! My Greatest Ass Whooping

Anyways, in the spirit of giving a good read, and since I know the last post didn’t even make you smile at all, I’m going to give you a brief but detailed story about the GREATEST ass whooping I ever received in my life. I capitalized Greatest simply because that ass whooping was great. Remember in the Cool Side of Life, when I was telling you about how my mum slapped me to the hospital? If you didn’t read, the story, here’s the link The Cool Side Of Life IV. Anyways, why this was the greatest ass whooping, was simply because I was awake throughout the whole beating while I passed out in the other one. So, let’s begin shall we.

My Childhood Stories: My Greatest Ass Whooping

Before I begin this story, y’all need to understand that I’m actually a really good boy. I don’t misbehave, never gotten in a fight, I respect my elders. I mean, I could have grown up to be a miscreant, but my parents were quick to use the rod anytime they noticed me, or any of my family members falling out of line. This was one of those times were I was out of line.

We had recently moved in to VGC from Port Harcourt, and that was a major jump for me! It was like moving from Economy to First Class. Port Harcourt wasn’t bad, VGC was just better. Anyways, after a few weeks of getting myself accustomed to VGC, I became friends with my new neighbor who was about 2 years younger than me. He had a playstation at that time and I didn’t have one, so I was usually always at his house and my mum was enjoying our new friendship, but the problem was, I always overstayed the time I should’ve and my mother didn’t appreciate this. She’d tell me I could visit him and play for an hour, but I’d stay for hours on hours until she’d come to personally knock at their door and take me away.

I kept on doing this on and on, until one day, my mother strictly told me not to go to his house. It was the first time she had told me this, but she then explained that she needed me to stay home since an uncle of mine was coming over at a certain time and since we didn’t have anyone to open the gate, I had to be at home. Before I begin talking about this ass whooping, I want you to know that I never really liked this uncle of mine as he was always mean to me. With that, she left me and went to the market while I sat at home, waiting and waiting for my uncle to come. I even slept off and woke up being more bored than I had ever been in my life since there wasn’t any electricity at home cus Nepa had taken the light.

Well, as any Nigerian would say, it was the devil that made me do it. Sooo…. I went to see my neighbor. However, since I wanted to be able to hear if my uncle had arrived, I told my neighbor we should play outside so I could hear if someone was knocking at the gate of the house. And so we played and played, and I occasionally peeped out of his gate to constantly check if anyone had arrived but no one had come. We kept on playing soccer and it got even more competitive as some of my neighbors classmates came over to his place and we started playing an intense match of soccer. That match was one of the best matches I had ever played and I lost track of time while playing with my neighbor and his friend.

You know how, one moment, you just know that something is wrong? Like when you sleep and wake up late for an appointment or something, you immediately know that something is wrong? That’s exactly how I felt when I was done playing soccer. So I slowly went back home and my fears were confirmed as the padlock I used to open the gate had been removed which meant only one thing……Mum was home. And I was right, she was home, and so was my uncle. I knew I was done for, as there wasn’t going to be anyway to lie to her that I went somewhere to buy something as I knew nowhere else in VGC except my neighbor’s house.

I entered the house through the backdoor (which was where the kitchen was) hoping that my mother would be in the parlor entertaining my uncle. But today, God was not on my side. I met my mum cooking while trying to apologize to my uncle for me making him wait outside. Apparently, I had assumed that my uncle would come with a car and when he arrives, he’d honk at the gate and I’d be notified, but his car had been stolen meaning that my thought process was flawed. On seeing me, my mother just told me to kneel down, while she told the househelp to come and take over the cooking so she could go outside. When she said those words, I knew she was going to get a cane. The problem was, she used to send me to get the canes, so for her to go and get the cane by herself, mother must have been seriously furious.

She came back with a really thick piece of cane she had cut, and for the next thirty minutes, I stared at her as she got a knife and smoothened the cane, cutting off any thorns that might have been on it. I was really close to urinating on myself, but I kept a stoic face and I was trying to be tough. Then, things got a little weird and I don’t know why, but I almost felt like laughing when I saw her soak the cane in water. It was new to me, and I didn’t know why, but I just thought it was kind of funny how she was going to go thru all this stress to beat me. I was sure the cane smoothening would have tired her out a bit. This seemed to give me small confidence and my fear went away momentarily and I mentally told myself that no matter how many times she’d flog me, I’d do “Odeshi” and act like it didn’t hurt. Little did I know that her soaking the cane was just to give herself a breather from smoothening the cane, and she used the time to regain her full energy back.

Now for the whoop ass time. Mum told me to stand by the table and flatten the upper half of my body on the table. Out of nowhere, this uncle I dislike held my hands on the table, binding me on it. I just looked at him like


Anyways, mum slowly started whooping me with this wet cane. 1…2…3….4…5 strokes into it, I was still forming bad guy, that it didn’t pain me. Little did I know, that the cane’s wetness started seeping into my cloth and it made my cloth stick to my ass. With each stroke, my shorts got wetter until it felt as though she was beating my bare ass. 15 strokes into it, and my hard bad guy exterior gave way to pleas which fell on deaf ears as my mom whooped my bottom with no mercy. Then, on the 21st stroke (I think), I tried to run and away and mistakenly hit my mum with my leg while trying to wriggle off my uncle’s grip. Like I said, God was not on my side that day. I had hit the spot in my mum’s leg that was hurting her which meant that she was in too much pain to beat me. After my uncle finished catering to my mum, the househelp (who was a male) was ordered to hold my leg, and this uncle totally mutilated my ass. This beating went on until neighbors came to knock on our gate, pleading on my behalf and also because my screams were reaching their house. As cold hearted as this uncle was, for every neighbor who’d come knock on our gate to plead on my behalf, he’d tell the househelp to usher them in, he’d give them a seat, and he made them watch (while they were pleading) as he continued beating me. Unlike my mum, my uncle was using all the force he had and I screamed till I really lost my voice. The beating finally stopped when my neighbor’s mum (the one whose son I played ball with) came and lied on my behalf that she had detained me for a bit because it was her daughter’s birthday party and I came to celebrate with them and she didn’t want me to leave just yet. On hearing this, my uncle and my mum agreed the beating was enough and let me be. I laid on the kitchen floor for the longest time and slept off there, but magically woke up on my bed.


All in all, I think I was whooped more than 60 times. Yeah, this event was not in the least bit funny! But I’m glad I got disciplined like this! Taught me to obey my mum! Follow @TheOiz and have a nice day!

5 thoughts on “My Childhood Stories! My Greatest Ass Whooping

  1. Reblogged this on tosine96's Blog and commented:
    I came across this story and its a true though funny representation of punishment to African children. My experience would come later. Hope u enjoy it. Happy father’s day(Thank you dad for not using condom that night you did the deal to give birth to me):D

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