Lol I know, I know. Its new year’s and you obviously guessed that this is one of my new year’s resolutions, to SAY I’ll blog like a retard again and then after a week or two, get lazy again hence being back to square one. And you know what I think about that? I think you’re absolutely wrong and you should go fuck yourself :K This is my blog and I know how to keep new year’s resolutions! So limme alone.
Now now, its been a while since I’ve blogged and to be honest, it feels great to be blogging again. I’m still not sure what I wanna talk about today, so I think we’ll just look at last year in bits, then new year’s resolutions in general and this year. However, when I mean last year, I’m talking about MY life, NOT prominent events in the outside world. I don’t give a damn about that. You have google if you want to know what happened at some point in the year and why its important. You came to Useful Information About Nothing not Google, so enjoy the highlights of my Usefully useless life ^_^
January: I remember making new years resolutions to go to the gym more often, eat more, be nicer, be a good boy and be outside more often. Be more popular and shii. As usual, 2 days after making the new year’s resolution, I found myself going dissing people more, eating once a day, while playing video games all day -_- However, I did go to the gym more frequently…….just so I could get to the vending machine to get Fanta and Skittles ._. All in all, this was just a lazy month.
February: I’ll be honest with you, this was the saddest month of my life. Nothing much happened till Valentine’s day. Valentine’s day came, and I ended up taking two tests in school, coming back home to see a Teddy Bear, a letter with another thing package attached to it in front of my door when I got home. My heart raced so much and I thought I had a secret admirer in the apartment or around, and when I got inside, locked the door, ran to the bathroom, turned off all the lights and then used my phone as a flashlight just to read the message, I discovered that it was my mum who sent me a Teddy Bear for the Valentine she “Believed” I had and the thin package was an Adele CD just in case I was alone. It was then it dawned on me that I had a sad life. I called two of my friends phone’s and they said they were “busy”. Leaving only me alone, with my new teddy, ice cream, and Adele playing in the background. All that was missing was a cat, and I’d seriously look like a loner. Even my brother’s didn’t come home that day. Nothing new was on Pornhub and xnxx. It was like the whole world was busy but me L
March: Can’t even remember anything prominent in this month except in school, even after 3 months, I was still writing 2011 on anything I did. And even after I told them otherwise, people still kept on asking me to speak “Nigerian” to them and how come my English is so fluent. I have a feeling I’ll start wearing a shirt which says “I’m from Nigeria! And there’s no language like “Nigerian” Then on the back “We speak English!” Cus I’m seriously tired of telling people there’s nothing like Nigerian. Maybe I’ll wear the shirt, or just use a thick Yoruba accent to curse them while smiling and tell them I’m saying “Hello *insert name of retard who asked me to speak Nigerian here* how are you?”
April: Okay, so I actually loved this month. Well, maybe not the month, but the prank we played on my mum. So my brother and I decided to prank my mum and tell her I “Mistakenly” impregnated a girl and I didn’t want the baby, so I’ve been dating a guy for a week now and I think I’m gay. Chimo! I’ve never ever EVER heard my dad or mum soo furious. I also didn’t know they knew soo many Bible verses! It was even that day, I knew some jokes shouldn’t be told, but it was worth it in a way sha. So anyways, the prank was simple. My brother calls my parents and sounds all distressed and then he tells them that he was snooping thru my phone when he saw some texts of mine telling a girl to abort the baby and that I have a boyfriend. He put it on speakerphone. It was just too priceless.
Bro: Yeah mum, I think Oise is seriously gay and he impregnated a girl.
Mum & Dad: WHAT?! Where is he? *sleeping* Wake him up! Wake him up now!!
Mum: WHY OISE? WHY? After all I taught you. After all the years you’ve spent with us. You go and impregnate a girl?! And what’s this I’m hearing about you being gay?
Me: Mum, I didn’t mean to impregnate her. And I…
Mum: SHUT UP! Whaddya mean by “I didn’t mean to impregnate her” ?
Me: It was a mistake mum. And yes, I’m gay. I like this guy. He’s really nice to me. He’s 22 tho.
Mum: SHUT UP! ARE YOU MAD? **********************************
Lol, The rest of the things she said, are Rated R.
Dad(talking to my bro): When’s the next, earliest and cheapest flight to LA? Start booking the flight immediately. I don’t care about the cost. I can see we need to to come and talk sense to you guys.
Then the rest of the convo was muffled as I could hear hisses (from mum obviously) and dad literally grinding his teeth and the joke had to stop after we thought we heard someone (Still mum probably) sobbing in the background, saying something we believed was “God, where did I go wrong?” Even after we told them it was a joke, they were still fuming, and it took them a while to get over it. Dad refused to send me money for the month and mum refused to talk to me for the month too. I was broke and hungry for the whole of this month, but trust me, it was worth it!
May: Nothing really crazy happened this month except the fact that I got money from my dad again and my mum started talking to me, and like any normal Nigerian boy would do, I started doing shakara for her too. Fronting like I didn’t want to talk to her. She sha sent me some money too and for this month, I was at my richest. So rich, I still had money to spend after booking a ticket to see my uncle in Sacramento during my finals and even after my finals! It was pretty amazing tho! But nothing special.
June: The major thing that happened this time was the end of school and my preparation for summer! This wasn’t even the weird/crazy part. That part happened when I boarded the train to Sacramento to see my uncle and when I boarded it to come back.
So, I boarded this train to go to Sacramento yh, and its about 6 hours long, so I was looking for a position to plant my ass with a fine girl, but every fine one either had one fat friend (who obviously took all the space) or had one friend who looked like a lesbian, or were flanked by their parents. Luckily, I spotted two fine young girls and sat down beside them. Thankfully, they were friendly, and we started talking and the P setting looked like it was in motion……until their mother came and sat down beside me and started cockblocking me very very well. I dunno whether to say she was being an ass, or she just didn’t like black people K Anyhoo, the fine girls sha added me on Facebook and after I got to my uncles place, I was thinking the P setting would continue. That’s how I checked my Facebook friends and discovered that I had been unfriended…. It took a while to sink in and when it did, I was pissed, but oh well.
Coming back was even weirder. After spending a week and a half with my annoying cousins and my uncle, I was back on the train again, searching for the fine babes but still faced with the same problem. Anyways I managed to find this seat, and all was well… Up until this black girl came and sat in front of me. Now, you might have heard various stereotypes about black girls, but this girl in front of me seemed to epitomize EVERY single one of them. The girl sitting in front of me had this weave she kept on scratching her head and checking her mirror every single time. She kept on chewing this piece of gum so freaking loud it was giving me a migraine. I could have sworn her name was Shanaynay or Shaniqua or something like that. The climax came when she went over to the food cart and came back with only chips and when I asked her why she didn’t get a drink, she told me “I dint get nun cus they din hav no Koolaid” K
July: This was one of the months where I found out that my folks were either getting back at me for the April Fool’s joke, or they just didn’t love me much. So, here I am, thinking that I’m going to Nigeria for summer, after going to London to maybe enjoy a bit of the Olympics, and then days to my flight, my father calls me to tell me that I’m no more going to Nigeria. Its expensive. Expensive to LEAVE Nigeria cus now, the people to bribe have multiplied. My happiness meter went down by 40% but I was still okay and still happy. I was going to London to see some friends and see the Olympics. While in London, the final elah came as my dad told me that I’m to return to USA the day prior to the start of the Olympics. There was no explanation for such an action like his to me except revenge, or just pure joy from seeing me unhappy K So I literally left London when all my friends from Manchester, Liverpool and other places were coming in. #SadLife.
August: School’s resumed again. That is all.
September: My bro’s birthday! And the best part about this was, I was actually gonna partake innnit!!! J The last birthday he celebrated, all his friends I knew came over and the house was super full, CHICKENS prepared and ready in the kitchen, house full of bubbling people, and just when I think I’m gonna have fun, my mum tells me I had to go to school the next day. I formed sickness and you know what my “Loving” parents did? They took me to the clinic…. The SCHOOL clinic. Anyways, I was no longer in Nigeria and unfortunately, all the bubbling people weren’t around, but we had fun at my uncle’s place in San Francisco, food, money, and family.
October: Oh yeah, this was the month where nothing really prominent happened except for my donut craving which led me to……… Bro, I’ve done this story before, here’s the link. There you go à https://usefulinformationaboutnothing.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/all-because-of-donuts/
November: Man, this was actually a great month. Everything seemed to go right for me. Even on my birthday, I was shown so much love. It was awesome. But, since I’ve already made a blog post about it, I really don’t have much to say about this except à https://usefulinformationaboutnothing.wordpress.com/2012/11/11/the-best-day/
December: SCHOOLS FINALLY OVER! However, some other key things happened this month tho. So my exams are over, and I should finally be returning back to all Social Networks and just before I do so, I’m called for a video shoot over a freestyle I did in my friend’s dad’s studio. So weirdly, a simple freestyle got me on someone’s song. The guy’s name is Lambo, I think. He just looks a bit like Vic O, but with better grammar and partially better dressing. I had no idea what I was doing, but the video shoot and the babes were fine as hell. Plus, I got $30 bucks off it, so I really didn’t care, I was getting paid! Also, my parents came over from Nigeria, commented on the hair and surprisingly, they didn’t tell me to cut it. They dissed it, laughed at it, but didn’t tell me to cut it. I think that’s the next greatest miracle after Jesus walking on water. Thankfully afterwards, we went to see my uncles in San Francisco, had fun with a big Christmas dinner, and went snowboarding in Lake Tahoe! All in all, a perfect way to end the year 2012!
January: January 2013, after watching the New Year’s Eve program on CNN and it became 12 o’clock here, and we (Family) prayed and just when I was thinking I’d see numerous “Happy New Year” texts, I see only one text from T-Mobile telling me that my phone bill is due and they’ve cut me off. Seriously. They couldn’t even give me a New Year’s bonus. Just a day off. Thanks T-Mobile. What a way to start 2013.
Happy New Year everyone! So I’m hoping I’ll be blogging a lot more this year. More sexual, more cool, and more retarded stories, brought to you by @TheOiz. And my name is Oise, seriously. Don’t call me Oiz. I’m not my Twitter name. That being said, Merry New Year!