The Cool Side of Life


Good morning/afternoon/evening/night to you! How are you doing? Bad? Good? Don’t wanna tell? It’s all good. It’s all good. Keeping to yourself eyy? So I can’t even ask how you’re doing without you being all defensive? I see. Well, maybe this would make you smile; Okra, Bounty, Yam, Donuts 😉 Oh wait, I forgot, this might be your first time reading my blog. I forgot X___X Silly me! Nice to meet you! My name is Oise. My family calls me Oise. Friends call me Oise. Real niggas call me Oise. Acquaintances call me Oise. Strangers call me Oise. You’re free to call me James.

Away from the salutation, if this isn’t your first time reading my blog, then I’m sure you now see your food as the sexiest things on the planet! You’re welcome 😀 Well today, we’ll set aside all sexualness and focus on the other side of life. The beautiful yet painful side of life we call Childbirth. Yes, today, I shall tell you a cool story. So wear your jackets, cover yourself up in your duvets, and find a warm spot, it’s about to get chilly in here B-)

The Cool Side of Life

  Today’s cool story starts off somewhere near the end of the 20th century. Apparently an Engineer has found his way to successfully set p with a Teacher and their relationship blossoms till he pops the question and she says “Yes”. The marriage is a good one as it takes place both in a Church, and at the hometown of the Teacher. You can tell that no time was wasted in getting down to business as nine months later, the Teacher was carrying a child in her belly. Everything goes well and the Teacher gives birth to a bouncing baby boy (All the babies in Nigeria bounce). The couple are both happy and christen the child with all native names.

After the naming ceremony and other small festivities during the month, you’d have thought all would have died down for a bit, but baby making is serious business! And this was shown as the Engineer and the Teacher presented themselves to the same doctor again just fifteen months after the first child came. The doctor looked perplexed giving the Teacher’s skinny frame and after delivering her of her second bouncing baby boy, he advises the couple to take a break and relax because childbirth is no easy task. So there should be a reasonable gap between one pregnancy and the next. This information didn’t seem to go down well with both parties, but for the sake of healthy living, the Teacher and the Engineer adhered to it and blessed this child with all native names.

So the Teacher and the Engineer live in bliss for about a year and a half and all is well, but, the Teacher is finally beginning to feel the strain as the two boys keep on giving her stress and she longs to have a daughter. So they get down to business again and yet again, nine months later, she’s with a child. It’s either the Engineer had very learned sperm who were smart enough to find their way every time business went down or there was Google Maps with very detailed information on how to get to the eggs inside the Teacher. So they go back to the same doctor again who seems to be happy that they took his advice and he set to work delivering the baby. Again! It turned out to be a boy. Now the Teacher was happy that she gave birth without any complications whatsoever, but she longed for a daughter. Just before she was ready to be discharged by the doctor, she voiced her needs to the doctor. The doctor not knowing what to say, told her to be patient. Maybe next time, if they space it out some more, she might have a daughter. She was later discharged and the boy was christened with all native names.

Now, I am of the belief that the Teacher either took the doctor’s advice too seriously, or the Engineer didn’t feel like venturing into more business deals, or maybe Google Maps were unavailable, but for the next five years, the Engineer and the Teacher lived with three boys happily, even though the Teacher still wanted a daughter.
It seems like the couple was ready to start business again, or all the other factors were ready to respond, as the teacher was pregnant for a child six years after her last child. The funny thing about this child was that unlike the rest, it didn’t kick as much and was gentle in the stomach of the Teacher and most people including the doctor himself, were sure that it was gonna be a girl this time around. So confident and inspired by the words of the doctor were the Engineer and the Teacher, that they started buying female baby clothes and already had a list of female names according to how the baby came out.

The D Day finally came and the Teacher was rushed to the hospital to be delivered of her baby. In the operating room, the nurses and the doctor urge the Teacher to push while they cleaned her up and try to get the baby out of her. After some “Pushes” here and there, the head comes out and the doctor immediately says “Very good ma’am! You’ll be pleased to know that this head looks feminine.” Given that bit of information, you can tell how ecstatic the teacher must have been as she pushed even harder than before while the doctor frantically tries to pull the baby out.

The doctor then manages to wiggle the baby out some more till he reaches the waist and he exclaims “Your baby must surely be a female! It’s either my eyes are playing tricks on me, or she must have hips!” Weird as that might have sounded, the teacher pushes harder so she can finally hold her baby girl! LOOL, That’s what she thought 😦

Finally, the doctor brings out the baby in full form and then the whole operating ward goes silent except for the baby’s shrill cries echoing around the room. The look on the faces of everyone scares the Teacher because they are looking at the child like it were an alien. After she regains her voice, she asks the doctor what the problem was and why everyone was so silent. After swallowing heavily, the doctor says, “Congratulations madam… You’ve just given birth to another baby boy.” The last thing everyone else remembers is the Teacher saying “Oh God” before she passes out. Apparently the thought that all her beautiful pink dresses had to be given out or not used on this baby probably weakened her a lot.

Fast forward seventeen years and eight months and you’re here in reality.

Busy reading his blog

17 Comments

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  1. Very nice article, Oise. Despite the fact that I knew the story, it still made me laugh hard. My regards to the Engineer and the Teacher

  2. Wow!, cool one there, brah, makes me realize that you’re 17 years old. Really, it’s cool, don’t get me wrong, very cool *pulls sweater around body*

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